Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
