she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
