she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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