all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
