There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
