I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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