I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
