I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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