I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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