I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This baby is an asshole
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
