I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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