I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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