Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
