Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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