meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have demons in me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
