i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
