you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
