my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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