I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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