saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
you made out with another girl for some wings
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
