you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
there's paper in my vomit.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
