apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
