I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
