my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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