Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We have started to decorate penises.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
