I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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