The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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