Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize