i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she pinky promised me she was 18
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
