I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
