someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize