toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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