is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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