I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
