I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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