he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
