No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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