Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
