I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
