Michael Bay diarrhea
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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