Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That accounts for only three of the penises
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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