We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
