but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize