I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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