i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
