My sheets look like a crime scene.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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