Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
