just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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