Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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