if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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