If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
