I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
