You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
