he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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