So drunk, too bad you don't want this
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
