If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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