I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
