Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
