I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
