I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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