So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
