Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
