I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
