im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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