I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
