i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize