I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
ttyl tear gas
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
