Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize