We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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