Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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