Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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