call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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