We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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